Cousins

Yesterday was a wonderful day. It was the first Saturday without bowling in a long time and my last being able to lift over 10 pounds for a while so we took full advantage. We spent the day with family!


My first cousin Holli is always encouraging and coordinating time with family. She picks up the slack left by the rest of us (um ok... me) and is truly special. She gets credit for putting together a great day at the museum of play. Here she is with my boys and the children of our grandmother's sister's son's daughter. Did you follow that?? I have no idea what that makes them. 4th cousins? Cousins 4 times removed? Who knows... all that matters is that we had a great day with Holli, Marcella, Gianna, Matthew and Andrew.

Yes, you counted right... two adults with six kids. Holli and I are both really good at counting to six now. I'm proud to say that we didn't lose anyone for more than a minute! Phew!

Do you think that Sara, Dave or my great-grandchildren will ever play together? I would hope so, but yesterday made me realize how distant that really is.


Holli also encourages getting everyone in pictures. Here I am with the boys on the Sesame Street stoop. I look at this picture and realize that this hat doesn't do me any favors... it may be comfortable and convenient, but it is not attractive! It is also the first time I've looked at a picture and thought I looked ill. I felt fine yesterday... maybe it is the super thin eyebrows.


Ryan's favorite parts of the museum were the water fountain and the sink in the bathroom. I wish I was kidding.

He was enjoying having his picture taken and then looking at it. Silly boy. I am proud of Ryan. This was our first significant outing without a stroller and he did great! (sniff sniff...)

We have been to this museum many times and I have never seen this... The boys really enjoyed it while Holli and the girls were in the butterfly garden. Basically you put wooden balls on the belt and then crank the wheel so that the balls fall on a xylophone. The boys each had a role, Ryan was the cheerleader, Andrew grabbed the balls, Matthew told him where to put them and Tyler cranked the wheel. Nice job boys! The best part was that they were all in one place and easy to watch. You know it is hard to keep track when all you know is that you are missing the one in the orange shirt. Who was in the orange shirt?? Oh, that would be my child!! Whoops! Tyler, where are you??

Another group shot courtesy of Holli.

Tyler was rocking out in this new exhibit.

He was very excited about this move. Very cool T.

Poor Ryan waited all day to go to the Elmo exhibit and then I rushed him out as he was yelling "my turn, my turn, my turn." This car is one of his favorites. Elmo is in the back seat.

Here is Holli with Ryan checking out the Sesame Street characters. They're looking up at a TV showing themselves with Elmo.

See, isn't that neat?

One last bit of fun before heading out.

The big kids chose to ride together. What a nice finish to a great day.

I was exhausted when I got home and ready to put my PJs on for the evening when Dan asked if I was up for Hard Rock nachos. You don't say no to nachos so off we went to Niagara Falls. We are nuts, but it was totally worth it. Mmmmm nachos!

I didn't do much today.

Bowling

Does it go against mom code to be excited that an activity is over? Tyler started bowling every Saturday at 11am on September 11 and last Saturday was the last day... finally! 18 weeks of bowling fun! I'm relieved it is over and most of the time I didn't even go.

In order to start bowling at 11:00am it was necessary to leave the house at 10:30am to get shoes and a ball. Two games took about 1.5 hours with a parent staying on top of whose turn it was. So you literally sit there and say "Ty it is your turn" every few minutes... "Ty, go bowl now!!" "Ty NOW!" You get the idea.

Tyler's game did improve. He started throwing with one hand. His best game of the season was a 124... with bumpers.

He usually didn't even watch where the ball went.

And, spent most of the time horsing around with his friend or fighting over who got to sit in a random seat that they both decided was the best... even though it was exactly the same as the molded plastic seat next to it!

Here he is with his partner in crime.

One more trophy for the dresser.

Maybe boy scouts will work out better.

Controversy

I need some help with a debate that is going on in our household. Here's the story... 19 years ago I arrived in Buffalo, went to McDonald's and was asked if I wanted pop. No, I want soda, thank you very much. Since then I have resisted the transition to "pop" and firmly believe it is wrong, very wrong! And, don't tell me that soda with ice cream is "soda" because that is called a float as in root beer float!

In our house it has been "soda" and that has not been an issue until tonight when my very own son said "pop" as I was pouring myself a glass of grape soda. I quickly corrected him and then it happened... Dan turned on me too! Can you believe it?? He even tried to use my favorite grocery store against me asking me to acknowledge what they call their generic soda (W-Pop... oh, it pains me even to write it). It is all so very very wrong!! We may need to move. This area gets a lot right, but this is not one of them. I guess I will always be a transplant.

And, by the way, they are called gnats. What sort of a name is "no see em" anyway for a bug? Gnat.

Side Note: I received a call tonight with the results of my unscheduled MRI... she said the original tumor was 3.3 cm at its widest point and it is now down to 2.2 cm. I'm pleased with that and am feeling better about surgery. I was wondering how they were going to take that much out! Phew. I'm ready for it to be Monday.

Hair - 2 weeks out

I was not in the chemo chair yesterday!! Hopefully January 5, 2011 will be the last day I was ever in that chair. My hair will track the time since closing that chapter. So here we go.

This is NOT an attractive picture, but can you see the fuzz?? Look close. It is there and Dan says he can see more daily. I first noticed that it was growing the week after Christmas. At the time I was concerned that it was coming in white, but I'm starting to see some color now. I'm hoping for enough hair to ditch the hat by spring. At least wearing a hat in winter is fairly normal.

I still have eyebrows although they're looking a bit rough... one worse than the other. I could still lose them before this is all over. I also noticed this week that I have very little arm hair left. For some reason that held on until now.

My eyelashes are almost nonexistent, especially on my left eye. I can literally count them and they are still falling out... as in one fell out this morning. Eyeliner helps. I put more on today than usual because I wore my contacts today to give my ears a break. My poor ears are squished between my glasses and my hat! Ouch! Soon they will be free.

Surgery Plan

We have a plan!! I'll be going in for a lumpectomy on Monday, January 31st so I only have to wait a little more than a week. Thank goodness.


The RN seemed pleased with the impact chemo had on the tumor. She said that the tumor looks like it has a hole in it on the mammogram which could mean that it is dying from the inside. And, that may be why it hasn't shrunk much. Unfortunately there is no way to really know what is going on until after surgery. The two satellite nodules that the first MRI identified are still there. One in front of the tumor and one behind it. Their location is good because they are all in a row so not as much tissue will have to be removed. Yay! The doctor explained that they'll have to remove a significant amount of tissue, but that it is in a part of the breast that fills in well so hopefully after a year I'll be satisfied. If not, he told me we can address it then... um, I don't think so, I've had enough!!


They will be removing the sentinel node (or nodes in some cases). Basically that is the first lymph node from the breast and the first place the cancer would spread. They'll identify it using dye and something radioactive using a Geiger counter. Fancy stuff!! The node will be biopsied while surgery is being performed. Hopefully they won't find any cancer cells so no more nodes will have to be removed. I am confident that it will be clear because I had a biopsy of a lymph node under my arm before chemo that came back clear. I know it is possible since the biopsy was on a small section of tissue, but the odds are in my favor in my own opinion.


Assuming I don't have to have lymph nodes removed, I won't have to stay overnight in the hospital. I was told to expect to be out of work for two weeks, but since I have a desk job I may be able to return earlier. I can't see how I'd have to be out longer than a week. I don't need my left breast to use a computer or talk on the phone, right?? Seriously, two weeks?? I don't think my family could handle me being home for two weeks. The biggest problem with returning may be getting my laptop from my car to my office and I'm sure I can get someone to do that for me if it really is an issue.


There were two things I really didn't like about today. First, I had to have another MRI with an IV. It is really not a big deal, but I've had 4 MRIs in 5 months!! The hospital has more pictures of me from this period of time than I do of my kids!! And, it extended my day longer than I anticipated. I hate to be off of my internal schedule. Second, they told me that I'll have to have an air tube down my throat during surgery. I know I won't be conscious and I probably wouldn't have known about it if they didn't tell me... but, now I know and it gives me the creeps! The silver lining is that I didn't have time to anticipate the MRI and now I know I won't snore during surgery... it is the simple things that I worry about!

Great Wolf

For the last few years we've received an e-mail from a friend asking if we'd like to get in on a group rate at the The Great Wolf Lodge. And, every year, much to my dismay, we said no for one reason or another. What it came down to is that I'm the only water bug in our family. Dan isn't a fan of public pools, Tyler is plain scared and Ryan is too little to enjoy anything. No fun!!

So, this year we got the e-mail in September... just days after the cancer diagnosis. I forwarded it to Dan at work saying I wanted to go and he said book it. Woo Hoo! We lucked out that it was after chemo, but before surgery.

Yesterday was the big day. 80+ degrees in the middle of January felt really good! How much longer until summer?

I didn't take any pictures of us in the water park, but here's a couple of the park itself. Tyler kept his eye on this bucket the whole time. He was very concerned about it dumping on his head and no amount of explaining that it fell on the roof would deter him. He even used it as an excuse not to go on the medium sized water slides.

Both boys enjoyed this area. Ryan especially loved the water spouts coming up from the floor. Tyler went down each of the small water slides multiple times and really enjoyed the tree house with all of its water valves and sprayers. Dan got a couple of good hits in.

Once we had our fill of chlorine, we headed down to the arcade. I believe Tyler enjoyed it more than the water park... next time we'll just go to Chuck E Cheese.

Should it concern me that my two-year old grabbed this and knew right where the trigger was?

Our friends' boys are so sweet... they suggested that they all hold hands. I think we were on our way to the arcade.

The lobby was a whole lot of fun. There were "hands" that activated the animals. Ryan figured it out.

When we first arrived Tyler had to make sure that the wolves howling on the fireplace weren't real. I think he was really concerned... poor kid!! It was pretty obvious that these guys were fake. But, still a lot of fun.

The worst and best part of Great Wolf were the wristbands. You had to wear them the entire time and they did everything including opening lockers, opening your room door and buying tokens for the arcade... but you had to wear them the entire time, including in bed.

I made a mistake and put Tyler's on a little too loose so you could slip it off. But, then I decided it was good so he wouldn't have to sleep in it. Imagine my surprise when I saw that he was holding it in his hand when he got in to bed. He told me he liked it because of the "electronics." Of course.

Here they are with the talking tree.

And, in the arcade (again) this morning.

Ryan's prize in the arcade was "smarties" or so I thought. On further inspection, they were "Rockets." Hmmm. It must be a Canadian thing...

On the way home we stopped at a superhero themed restaurant for lunch. It was fun for the boys and the food was good! What a nice way to end a crazy weekend.

The best news is that we were able to cross the border both times with no hassle... so now I've added a whole bunch of other activities to my "must do" list... The science museum in Toronto, Toronto Zoo, shopping in the Eaton Center... we have a whole other country to explore!! I'm sure Dan is excited too. Ha!

In Between

I should be ecstatic that chemo is over. I should be so happy that the skin aches, bone aches and metal mouth are over. I should be beside myself with joy that I don't have another treatment next week. But, I'm not.

I'm in a really weird place. Chemo is over, but I don't have a surgery plan yet. There are two different surgery options each with its own set of "what ifs." I don't like it one bit. I keep running different scenarios through my head deciding how I'll handle each. What if I have to be out of work for weeks? What if I have to go to Roswell every day for six weeks for radiation? What if I can't do any of my chores for a significant period of time. What if I have to go through a series of surgeries? What if I can't pick up Ryan? What if I can't hug them? I can't help myself. Doing that is better than my other option which is thinking about the tumor that is still inside of me lurking. I try hard not to worry that with chemo being over the cancer is free to do whatever it pleases... because that would allow the crazies to win.


The worst part about it is that I know in that the most likely scenario is a simple lumpectomy with minimal down time. So, why can't I stop thinking about the other alternatives? Why can't I just be happy that I don't have treatment next week?


I had a mammogram yesterday to measure the size of the tumor. I put the radiologist in an awkward spot asking her if it shrunk. She said that it was visibly smaller, but not what she would call significant. I said that I hoped it was small enough for a lumpectomy and she said it wasn't her call, but she thought it was. Phew! But, she's not the surgeon. I have to wait until next Thursday to talk to him. Waiting.... again.


My solution is to fill my free time up with activity... distraction! So this weekend all my minutes are planned down to when I have to get the laundry going in order to have time for the fun activities on the schedule. Hold on boys... it is going to be quite a ride! You are going to have fun whether you like it or not! Tory may make an appearance. We may even leave the country :)

Cousin Visit

Note to self - being done with chemo logistically doesn't mean that chemo is over. And, a strong will can't always overcome reality. I know this is not a surprise to most people, but I'm stubborn and forget that once in a while. Usually when I set a goal for myself I can attain it so I find it incredibly frustrating when my body can't keep up with my head.

Sara came to visit this weekend with the girls and I had a whole list of things I wanted to do while they were here: Sledding, Bowling, Bounce House, Beading, Shopping, Movie Night. The kids managed to get the list done, but it was just too much for me. Who knew that wandering around an outlet mall pushing a stroller is such a physically exhausting activity?? Dan had to remind me that this was the weekend after chemo. Oops!

I wanted to get a nice picture of the 5 kids together posed nicely, but they had other plans. This picture isn't bad. Can you believe it is the first one taken? And, Tyler set it up. It all went downhill from there. Maybe next time I'll just hand the camera over to Ty.

I took today off from work to spend a few hours with just Sara and the girls. Usually I give the boys a day off whenever I take time off so not having them with me was very strange. Tyler had kindergarten so keeping him home was not an option. But, I did drop him off at school myself. And, Ryan went in two hours late. The five of us girls went to a bead gallery and made necklaces. I was really impressed with how well they did with setting up the beads and stringing them. We then went out for a nice lunch. After they got on the road, I treated myself to a mall walk... alone! What a treat!

The house feels a bit empty now. Perfect for sleeping...

Round Eight

CHEMO IS OVER!!



The day went well overall once I recovered from a major mistake. I was driving to the hospital this morning when I realized I had forgotten to take my pre-meds. How in the world could I have done that?? I panicked and called the hospital right away to see if I should bother going. Luckily they said they could give me the steroids through my IV so I could still have my chemo. Phew! But then of course my heart was racing. It is hard to calm yourself down after realizing you did something incredibly stupid. I would have been so upset if I had to reschedule this round.



This week I have been consumed by normal life which I guess is a good thing. My top priority has been to find a somewhat flattering swim cap for a day at an indoor water park. I found a basic one locally, but it is hideous on my head. So, I found a vintage style one that covers more of my head and has puffy flowers on it to give my head a little shape. We'll see how it looks when it arrives.



My other stress has been Tyler with his ears. He's been complaining that they hurt at dinner time, but other than that he's acting fine so I wasn't sure if he really hurt or if he just didn't want to eat dinner. Turns out that he actually does have an ear infection. Poor kid.



We've also been slowly taking down the Christmas decorations.



I guess my medical situation slipped to the back of my mind. Unfortunately I also forgot my numbing cream for my port, but it turns out that having my port accessed didn't hurt any more than having my blood drawn.



In the end, everything worked out just fine. But, I still can't believe I did that!



Chemo itself was uneventful. When I was all done my nurse announced to everyone that I had graduated from chemo, played that typical graduation music, stuck a mortarboard hat on my head and requested that I do the parade wave as I left. Talk about embarrassing!! I guess I've never been there on someones last day because I had never seen that before.



So, phase one is complete. Phase two is surgery, phase three is radiation and phase four is daily medication for at least 5 years. But, the hard part is behind me... I hope. Keep your fingers crossed that my surgeon still recommends a lumpectomy!

2011

2011 is going to be a wonderful year. I can feel it. We're going into this year knowing how much love and support surrounds us. What a blessing.

We started our New Years Eve celebration with friends and then came home to our 2nd annual family room sleep out. This year Ryan joined us. We didn't get home until after 10:00pm with a sleepy Ryan. But, as soon as he saw the air mattresses come out and heard the popcorn, he perked right up.



But, he didn't make it long. Tyler, on the other hand, made it to midnight again with a little help from How to Train Your Dragon. He did enjoy his bubbly, but due to an unfortunate jello encounter earlier in the evening I won't be posting pictures. Luckily his nose is no longer red!!

New Years Eve was also my first wiggy outing. Check out "Tory."

The wig isn't horrible, but I feel more conspicuous in it than I do a hat. The color is weird as is the texture and it is thick making my head look big. Maybe if my own hair was fuller it wouldn't be so weird to me. Dan likes it and my ears enjoyed being free for an evening!

The good news is that I believe my hair is growing! My head feels less stubbly/more fuzzy and I can see fuzz when there is light behind my head. Woo hoo! Unfortunately it looks like it is coming in white. I'm hoping the hairs aren't long enough to show color yet. Hmmm.

I am so excited for my treatment this week. My LAST treatment!! Round seven was easier than round six so I'm anticipating that round eight will be better than round seven. The skin aches on the Friday after round seven were significant, but the bone pain wasn't as intense. The only new side effect is slight numbness in the tips of my toes. Most of the time I don't even feel it. Hopefully that won't get worse and it will stay in my toes! (Don't worry mom, it really isn't a big deal.) I CAN'T WAIT TO BE DONE.

Christmas 2010

It feels like we spend months preparing for Christmas and then it is over before you know it. I'm not sad though because we had a wonderful week with family. We traveled to my parents house on Christmas Eve and stayed through New Years Eve.

We managed to fit all the important things in this year, but a little condensed... we didn't cut down a tree this year, but we did get a tree! We didn't make cookies, but we did eat them! See, all the important things happened.

And, it got decorated (these days simple accomplishments are celebrated).

The boys saw Santa to make their requests.

Ryan would only get as close as necessary to get his candy cane... and not a bit closer!

Grandma an Grandpa's tree was a bit more impressive than ours. I'm glad I wasn't there when it came in the house... YIKES!

This year all six grandchildren were there Christmas morning. It was very exciting... and very loud!

I was up before the kids and eagerly waited for them to wake up. Tyler was the first downstairs. He sat down next to me, looked under the tree, sighed and said "well, I guess I didn't get coal!" No Ty, you didn't, but it was a close call!

Ryan really got into things this year. He knew that "Sinta" was coming and was bringing presents.

Ryan's obsession with "Saucy no man" reached a fevered pitch last week much to the dismay of the adults in the house. Did you know that there are three Frosty movies? There is the original "Frosty the Snowman," "Frosty Returns" and Santa brought Ryan "The Legend of Frosty." He could not have been happier and proceeded to watch it multiple times each day. Ugh!

Little Leah had no idea what was going on, but she was happy as always hanging out with Grandma watching all the fun.

Tyler has been asking for a pillow pet for almost a year and was very excited to receive it. Both boys love their pillow pets. Other favorite gifts included a telescope, glow in the dark stars, moon in my room, a lego alarm clock and a hex bug for Ty. Well, the lego alarm clock was a favorite. He brought it with him room to room, changed the channels and generally didn't let it out of his sight for 2 days. And then Monday morning happened and the alarm went off. Tyler looked at that clock like he had been betrayed. "Why did it do that mom?" he asked in a hurt voice. Hahaha!

Here was the scene after all the gifts were open. The scary thing is that most of the wrapping paper was bagged already.

We did attempt a family picture before heading out to see our extended family. I'm thinking it will be another 5 years before we can get everyone looking forward, with their eyes open and smiling. Oh well, that's the fun of it, right??

Christmas with the whole family present was a gift. We enjoyed ourselves through Sunday... and then it happened... It seems we can't escape some sort of illness when we are all together and this year was no exception. Tyler woke Dan and I up at 1:00am Sunday night/Monday morning saying he didn't feel good. Unfortunately he waited a bit too long and proceeded to get sick all over the room. Then Leah got sick, then Nora and then Ava. Yes, that is 4 out of 5 kids in the house with the stomach bug at the same time!! Aaaaaaahhhhh! It was so bad that it was somewhat humorous. Dad covered the entire family room with a blue tarp and we had buckets scattered around the room. It was quite a sight. Luckily Ryan and I escaped the ick. I think I got lucky because of my booster shot. And, Ryan may have had this particular illness a few weeks ago. Phew! The rest of the adults did get a milder version of this bug, but luckily didn't get as sick as the kids.

We all recovered and made the best out of the rest of the week. We explored a science museum, a children's museum and had a shopping day before heading home.

I discovered that Ryan learned the magic of Grandma while we were away. This morning he asked me for "bekfast" multiple times. I was finishing an article in the paper so I didn't oblige him right away. So finally he stopped asking for breakfast and instead asked for Grandma. Yes Ryan, you are right... Grandmas are much more responsive than mommies!