I guess I should be glad it took me so long to realize that this is a serious disease and has the potential to take away everything that is important to me. I know it won't. I know that I will be here for all of the boys' milestones. I know this cancer is not going to reoccur or become metastatic. I know this will be behind me before long. But, there is that tiny little voice that wonders... what if?
Just when I think I've recovered from my inner thoughts I hear the back door burst open and the sounds of laughter fill the house. Before long I'm covered by those two wonderful boys. And I am reminded of how much I have... and how much I have to lose.
What I also realize is that this isn't just my fight.This morning on my way to work I was doing well. I had the radio on loud enough to just cover my thoughts, but then a commercial came on that station so I switched... and what song was playing?? Remember When by Alan Jackson. That song brought me to tears before all this nonsense. I think it should be banned from the radio waves so as not to catch anyone off guard!
My favorite lyrics in the song say "Remember when the sound of little feet was the music we danced to week to week / Brought back the love, we found trust / Vowed we'd never give it up / Remember when / Remember when thirty seemed so old / Now lookn' back it's just a steppin' stone / To where we are, where we've been / Said we'd do it all again / Remember when"
I do remember when. I remember the day Dan and I married... it is still the best day of my life. I remember the day that Tyler was born and the day that Ryan was born... each day a close second best. But it is the smaller things that are just as important to remember like Ryan's sweet little face asking "K Mommy?" after a grueling coughing fit. Or how Tyler knows when I need to hear "I love you." Those boys give the best hugs especially when the do it together. I remember how cute Tyler was running away from me at age two and how cute Ryan is now doing the same thing. Oh, and the laughter couldn't be better. And, I know it is a bad habit that I'm sure I'll regret soon enough, but Ryan now falls asleep in my bed. One boy in each arm is just about perfect. Why not since we have the same bedtime?? I have so much.
So what to do? I guess the realist in me knows that in the back of my mind cancer will be there always. But, I am determined that it won't run my life. If Dan thought I was a mad-woman before with all of the things I wanted to do with the boys... just wait. I will leave no adventure unturned and no picture untaken! This family is leaving cancer in the dust!! So there!