The Crazies

Here I am at midnight and I'm still awake. Normally this is way past my bedtime, but I am completely alert at the moment. Tomorrow is going to be a really long day.

Unfortunately I got a little sidetracked on-line this evening and ended up in some really scary places. After freaking out a bit, I think I'm back to my happy place. It helps to have an overly rational husband who puts things really plainly and makes way too much sense. Sometimes it really ticks me off that he can be so right all the time. But most of the time I'm just thankful that I have him to remind me that everyone is different and reacts in their own way. I will not have every negative side effect that I've read about.

So on to the crazies. These are the thoughts that I have that I know are a bit nutty. For some reason even though I know that I'm not being rational, I can't help those thoughts that run through my head once in a while. Things like... I'll never be able to answer 'no' to every question at a new doctors office again... I've never liked my hair, but now that it may never be the same again I'm really sad... Is this happening because I don't recycle like I should... This is something I started "before cancer"... Did I hurt Ryan nursing with this thing inside me (I asked the doctor and he said no way)... Can people tell what is going on when I pass them in the store...

Luckily this doesn't happen often. Most of the time life is still really normal. And then I start worrying that it shouldn't be! I guess I expected myself to stop getting annoyed at the boys rolling all over each other, screeching at the top of their lungs and making a general mess of everything. Shouldn't I be enjoying every moment now that I'm having this "life changing experience"? I still don't like giving baths. Changing diapers is a drag. The oven needs a good clean and I still don't want to do it. Grocery shopping stinks. Both boys were in time out this weekend. Ryan was gated out of the kitchen after popping a squat on the dishwasher door! Aaaahhh!

This is going to sound terrible when they grow up and read this... I do love them both dearly and there were many fun moments this weekend as well. It was just so very normal.

The last week has felt like a year. How long is it going to feel like before we can get going with treatment? I can't believe I have to get through 7 more appointments before we can even think about starting anything. I need to start my countdown to the end. I want to know when to plan the party! Don't these doctors understand that I have zero patience? I have my sights set on the other side.

CT scan Tuesday night. Second opinion Wednesday afternoon. Something else on Friday, but I can't remember what. Then I have to meet with the medicine doctor, the genetic testing people, have an MRI and meet with the surgeon again. Goodness gracious! Just stick the needle in me and then cut it out already! I have a life to live.

... just ran the spell check and had no errors!! Woo Hoo! (I won't run it again because it won't like 'woo hoo')