In Between

I should be ecstatic that chemo is over. I should be so happy that the skin aches, bone aches and metal mouth are over. I should be beside myself with joy that I don't have another treatment next week. But, I'm not.

I'm in a really weird place. Chemo is over, but I don't have a surgery plan yet. There are two different surgery options each with its own set of "what ifs." I don't like it one bit. I keep running different scenarios through my head deciding how I'll handle each. What if I have to be out of work for weeks? What if I have to go to Roswell every day for six weeks for radiation? What if I can't do any of my chores for a significant period of time. What if I have to go through a series of surgeries? What if I can't pick up Ryan? What if I can't hug them? I can't help myself. Doing that is better than my other option which is thinking about the tumor that is still inside of me lurking. I try hard not to worry that with chemo being over the cancer is free to do whatever it pleases... because that would allow the crazies to win.


The worst part about it is that I know in that the most likely scenario is a simple lumpectomy with minimal down time. So, why can't I stop thinking about the other alternatives? Why can't I just be happy that I don't have treatment next week?


I had a mammogram yesterday to measure the size of the tumor. I put the radiologist in an awkward spot asking her if it shrunk. She said that it was visibly smaller, but not what she would call significant. I said that I hoped it was small enough for a lumpectomy and she said it wasn't her call, but she thought it was. Phew! But, she's not the surgeon. I have to wait until next Thursday to talk to him. Waiting.... again.


My solution is to fill my free time up with activity... distraction! So this weekend all my minutes are planned down to when I have to get the laundry going in order to have time for the fun activities on the schedule. Hold on boys... it is going to be quite a ride! You are going to have fun whether you like it or not! Tory may make an appearance. We may even leave the country :)